She was 13 months old when we carried her into our home in her carseat.
She was a tiny little thing but had a strong presence.
She was timid but livid.
She had just been removed from the only home she knew.
She screamed....for 6 weeks.
She cried so loud I was sure our whole court could hear her.
And here I was crying so loud I was now sure our whole court could hear me.
It was a Tuesday, the Tuesday before she would be leaving our home.
A Tuesday....a year ago today.
I spent that day slumped on the floor near my closet door in my bedroom.
Wailing. Sobbing. Arms wrapped tight around my chest.
Knees pulled in and tears spilling down my cheeks.
Noises were coming from my deepest inners I didn't even know I could make.
How could this decision have felt so right and hurt so bad.
I wanted to spend every minute with her, but didn't want her to sense anything different.
I brought her to daycare so she wouldn't see me in pain.
But I just wanted her here...in our home that last week.
Instead I spent the week weeping. I wore sunglasses full-time.
I didn't answer my door or my phone.
I had heard the anticipatory grief was actually harder than the saying goodbye.
I'm not sure one is harder than the other, but your mind gets the best of you
during the anticipatory grief process.
I had a women say to me the other day.....
'can you imagine how it felt for her to have to leave your house and watch her brother stay?'
It took everything for me to hold it together there in that office. Tears filled my eyes
but I didn't let them spill over. I didn't want to make her feel bad.
It was an honest thought and question.
But, YES...I had thought that thought over and over and over and it was that thought that
almost killed me. In fact, I can't keep from weeping now as I type.
That is what anticipatory grief is. The unknown. And it hurts deeply.
But I also knew a few things that were so so good.
She was loved. And would continue to be loved by our family.
She was already loved by her new family.
She was young. Very young and very resilient.
I had been told by a therapist that she doesn't think that way.
Little ones can't think those thoughts. They feel them...in a nervous system type of way
but they don't actually think those thoughts. It helped and made sense.
Her nervous system would feel it.
She would rebel. Fight back. But not know exactly why.
Would she miss us, cry for us and want to go back home.
Yes. But was her mind working overtime like mine was during anticipatory grief. No.
I knew she was going to be loved.
By so many wonderful loving people.
But that week.....that week of anticipatory grief was hell.
I will be writing this week about saying goody-bye to Little Miss.
I need to. My heart needs to record it.
I've been so weepy yesterday and today and then realized why.
And thought...can my body and soul really recall this season in my life from a year ago?
I think so. I can't deny it.