3.07.2014

Still Hard.

'How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.'
- winnie the pooh

Not a truer statement could be written on this picture.
I'm not asking for sympathy or searching for support
I'm just being honest when I say it has been a tough week for me.

I don't know why.
I'm not sure what spurred it.
I've cried looking through pictures.
I've cried walking through the little girl section of Target.
I've bawled while getting text updates on her this week.
I'm watching her move on and it hurts a bit.
It hurts because in my heart she still feels like mine.
But at the same time I want nothing more than for her to move on.
To be a part of the loving family she has.

5 months have passed and I still miss her like crazy.
I miss her silliness.
Her bottom toothless smile.
I miss her piggy toes.
Her pucker kisses.
Her arms squeezed tight around my neck.

But the texts I get of her smile.
Her true smile.
Her eyes smiling.
I know she is so happy.
So bonded.
And it makes my heart soar and break at the same time.
I truly believe that her time in our home for so long
did more good for her than we will ever know.

Had she been moved earlier on in the process I'm not sure she would be so
trusting and loving. So able to bond and love and care.

I see her regularly. But our relationship is different.
She is guarded a bit. I see it.
She runs to see me, then pauses.
Then offers a quick hug and sometimes a kiss if I'm lucky.

It is perfect. It is exactly what she should be doing.
But it doesn't make it always easy.

What comforts my heart most is knowing how loved she is right now.
And I know Heavenly Father's hand is in all our lives right now.
Bonding us through family dinners.
Although they are not needed for the bonding.
It was there instantly.
We are all bonded by love.
And a special sibling group.

I believe to some extent I will always question if we made the right decision.
Even though in my heart I know the right decision was made.
Prayerfully. Answers were given clearly.

And the peace that replaced the chaos reminds me often.
But doesn't make the goodbye part any easier.

Not 5 months later.
Maybe not even a lifetime later.

4 comments:

  1. Bless. I can't even imagine!! I pray it will get easier as the days pass. You have a sweet heart April!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Love how honest this is. You have such a big, big heart and she is SO lucky to have you and to have been molded by you for that time she was in your home!

    ReplyDelete

I heart comments! Just one rule that I'm sure your momma taught you...if you don't have anything nice to say...please don't say anything at all!

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