Deep in Thought {through tears}

I came across this picture on my blog today.

It was taken two years ago.
I stared at it and thought...this was our family before the babies came.
These were the two that occupied my time.

But I can hardly remember a time without the babies.
Which makes me constantly think....
how would we ever go back to just the four of us.

What would it be like to be able to give all my attention
to these two special kids that once had all of me....
before the babies.

Would we feel so empty that we would never recover.

Would we feel grateful for the blessing of the babies in our lives
and even more grateful for the season of rest that would follow if they moved on.

Those thoughts are what consume me right now.
I can't think of much more than that.

We should have answers soon as to their future.
And I will be honest.
This case is messy and difficult. 
And at one time, a few months ago
we were asked if we were interested in adopting Little Mister.
It looked like he might be going for adoption.
And we said Yes.
He had really only known our home.
We could commit to one without hesitation.
But still had not started any paperwork. 

Then the case got messier and more difficult.

We will be relying heavily on our heavenly father
for answers to prayers and comfort with a decision.

Please don't ask anymore details.
I know it is so hard wondering but I cannot share them.
Just know we are struggling right now.
Very much in love with these two additional children.
But know these two children together are too much for our plate for long term.

So I cry. And talk to anyone who will listen.
Rationalizing my thoughts.
Looking for validation.
Helping me sort out what is in my head.

And wondering what Heavenly Father has in store for our family.
And more often than not this past week...I am crying.

No matter what the final decision.
And it could be many different ones.
It will be difficult.


  1. Ahhh....my heart goes out to you. Ill be praying for you. Thanks for this sweet post.

  2. April, I can't even imagine all the feelings to sort through. My heart goes out to you. Whatever the outcome, you have blessed the lives of many and made the world a better place for a struggling family in need. Can't think of many others I'd want by my side. Putting a little prayer in my heart hoping for the best for all.

  3. Keeping you and your sweet family in my prayers.

  4. Ahh, April. You are in such a difficult situation that all began with a big heart and a happy home ready to share the love you have. I think you have given exactly that, and I know our Heavenly Father is so thankful for you all. It will all work out for the best which ever way it goes, because it all started and ended with love. I too will pray for your family as you make changes with your new normal. Lots of love to you. <3

  5. You and your family our in my thoughts and prayers. God will answer and it will be OK. Praying for peace and answers.

  6. Your family is in my prayers. Such difficult things to process and live through. No matter what happens, you have blessed those babies lives and that can't be changed. All of you have been selfless and so generous. My heart aches for the choices you have to make and the choices that will be made for you. Heavenly Father knows you and knows your heart. "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it." Big hugs!

  7. I remember so vividly going through all that you shared here with our three placements before we adopted them. You guys are AWESOME and amazing for giving these little people a home and a family and love, even if it's only for this short time. Sending my love to all of you! Hang in there.

  8. Hugs my dear friend. And you know I am always here if you need to chat. Wish I was closer to hug you more!

  9. Hugs my dear friend. And you know I am always here if you need to chat. Wish I was closer to hug you more!

  10. I worked for 4 years as a CPS social worker before becoming a SAHM - the commitment you clearly have for these little ones is AMAZING and will make a life-long impact on them, no matter what the final outcome is.

  11. April, I just can't imagine it. I can't imagine having to give either of them back, either to a good situation or to a poor one. I can't imagine not having them with me anymore, nor keeping them in a situation that just isn't sustainable for the rest of the family. I don't know how you make the decisions you have to make, and I don't envy you. But I do know that you, Dave and the kids have so much love to give, and you've been so generous to open your home and your hearts for so long to these children who have needed you. God bless you all!

  12. Oh April...just reading this post and it's hard not to cry with you. Having been one myself now for over 5 months I've learned there is great beauty, joy and blessings that come from being a foster parent--but equally so--much worry and heartache. It sounds as if you guys are facing a difficult decision. You are in my thoughts and prayers friend. I don't think I'd be a foster mom right now if I hadn't received such inspiration after following your personal journey with it. I'm sure Heavenly Father's hand is in their placement and watching over you all. It will all work out the way it's supposed to...keep the faith.



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