I came across this picture on my blog today.
It was taken two years ago.
I stared at it and thought...this was our family before the babies came.
These were the two that occupied my time.
But I can hardly remember a time without the babies.
Which makes me constantly think....
how would we ever go back to just the four of us.
What would it be like to be able to give all my attention
to these two special kids that once had all of me....
before the babies.
Would we feel so empty that we would never recover.
Would we feel grateful for the blessing of the babies in our lives
and even more grateful for the season of rest that would follow if they moved on.
Those thoughts are what consume me right now.
I can't think of much more than that.
We should have answers soon as to their future.
And I will be honest.
This case is messy and difficult.
And at one time, a few months ago
we were asked if we were interested in adopting Little Mister.
It looked like he might be going for adoption.
And we said Yes.
He had really only known our home.
We could commit to one without hesitation.
But still had not started any paperwork.
Then the case got messier and more difficult.
We will be relying heavily on our heavenly father
for answers to prayers and comfort with a decision.
Please don't ask anymore details.
I know it is so hard wondering but I cannot share them.
Just know we are struggling right now.
Very much in love with these two additional children.
But know these two children together are too much for our plate for long term.
So I cry. And talk to anyone who will listen.
Rationalizing my thoughts.
Looking for validation.
Helping me sort out what is in my head.
And wondering what Heavenly Father has in store for our family.
And more often than not this past week...I am crying.
No matter what the final decision.
And it could be many different ones.
It will be difficult.