14 Years Ago Today.....

14 years ago today I was in a hospital room. The lights were dim. The room quiet. I was sweaty, breathing, lying on my side. My belly was round and the anticipation of what was about to happen was high. Dave's fist in my back, rolling in a circle to massage the pain away, was my focal point. If he changed directions, I moaned.

We were one week shy of finishing our Lamaze classes and there I was in a labor and delivery room following my birth plan....au natural. No drugs, no epidural, no episiotomy. I didn't consider myself an au natural girl, but I knew I wanted to give natural childbirth a try. My mom had always exclaimed that a woman's body was made to give birth with such enthusiasm. I wanted to know that pain. I wanted to be in control of that pain. I wanted to feel everything that was about to take place. The special event that would make us a family of 3.

I was assigned two nurses....one experienced, one brand new nurse fresh out of school. The experienced nurse was irritated with me that I wouldn't use medication. She kept coming in and asking if I was ready for meds. At one point, while I was in my relaxed, breathing routine I finally lost it and bit off her head and said, "Do I look like I need drugs?" and then went right back to breathing. She never came back in during my labor. My new nurse was totally amazing, supportive and apologetic. I labored for 8 hours total and had a hard time transitioning into pushing. I was nervous because I knew I could breathe through the pain of back labor....but how was I suppose to push and control the pain. Because of the back labor and the baby's position I never felt that incredible urge to push that everyone had told me about but I kept pushing.

There were a few funny moments during my unusually quiet delivery. At one point my sweet nurse said she could see the baby's hair. I piped right up with, 'hair. HAIR? I don't want my baby to have hair" and with that I stopped pushing. The nurse tried to comfort me with something along the lines of.....'black and curly' which threw me further into a state of wanting not to push anymore. All babies in our family were bald babies. Where did the hair come from? I was sure at that point it was all the Mexican food I had eaten. That spicy food put hair on my baby's head. 

I glanced at my mother who was sitting over in the corner watching from a far, but offering support when needed. We had really wanted our birthing experience to be just the two of us, but so welcomed my mother's help while laboring during difficult times. When it came time to push she started to leave and we told her to stay....begged her to stay....so she took a spot off in the corner to watch from a distance to let us feel like it was just the two of us! So when I stopped pushing, I glanced at my mom and all she did was shake her head up and down.....without saying a word, letting me to know to keep on pushing. Reassuring me that I could do it...hair and all.

We didn't know the sex of our baby. We figured that it was probably going to be the only time that the convenience of knowing wasn't necessary. We had a nursery ready to welcome whatever sex was coming our way....although I had prayed and secretly hoped for a girl first. So had Dave. In fact, a few months earlier while he was stationed in Kuwait, while serving in the Air Force, he sent me a gold charm with the inscription 'Kaia' on it. I was shocked he was so bold, but as I pushed in that delivery room, I kept hoping that this would be the little girl I could give that necklace to one day.

My doctor was wonderful, doing everything in his power to help prevent the need of an episiotomy...even letting me tear a little when I delivered. The only other non-quiet part of my labor and delivery...was when the doctor announced that it was a girl We screamed....in joy! In fact, my first {grouchy} experienced nurse, came running back in....I'm sure ready to gloat that surely she was right and was now ready to have those drugs. Focusing back on my baby, the hair was smooth and looked slightly curly and was definitely dark brown. They placed her on chest and asked what we were going to name her and we both said.....'Kaia Nicole Kennedy'....smiling proudly and I thought...maybe this hair will be cute.

Dave teared up and took Kaia in his arms. My legs shook and I continued using my lamaze breathing technique to get through the delivery of the placenta and the few stitches that I needed. It was then that I realized though that I didn't feel an overwhelming love for my baby. Dave was teary and in love and I was feeling lost and not in control of my emotions. Was it the hair?

Stay-tuned for part two tomorrow.....

Happy Birthday, my sweet Kaia Papaya. You are continuing to grow in beauty both on the inside and out! We love you.