Cleansing My Soul.

I went running today. I was intending to head out to Boot Camp, but I was late and I knew there just wasn't enough hours in the day today for me to get accomplished everything I wanted to do. So instead, I set my purse and keys down at the front door, grabbed my phone and earbuds, set my phone on Pandora and took off running. In the pouring down, freezing cold rain. I am not a runner.

I started off cautiously. Running to Glee Cast songs. Striding long over puddles, jumping over little streams of water, watching ever foot placement so as to not get my toes wet but not minding the rain hitting my face, my legs, my arms. I ran that way for 3 songs. Comfortable. Cautious. Feeling successful.

Then....this song came on. I don't know how it came up with this station on, but it did. I reached for my phone to change it, but couldn't. And as I ran, I became less cautious. And thought of the date. It was the the week before Valentine's Day last year that we started spreading the news. We were pregnant. That we made this video to that very special song and shared it with our family, friends and the world. That we opened our hearts to another member of our family.

My running became less cautious. My toes were the first to get wet. Socks drenched. Next I took my eyes off the road not caring where I stepped. I had always been so cautious when I heard that song. Smiling back at Dave or the children, but all of us holding it together. But right now I did not want to be cautious. As the rain water cleansed my exterior shell, I allowed that song to cleanse my soul as the salty water mixed with the rain water streamed down my face. I thought about how OK I really was that we don't have a 5 month old baby right now, but that the pain of that lost pregnancy will forever be with me. I cried as I ran. And I ran farther and farther away from my house.

I continued to think through the song as I cried and ran, about the 20 pounds I have been holding on to. Reluctant to give up. Holding on to them like memories of the lost pregnancy, lost brother, lost aunt of last year. When the song ended, it was then that I really started running. Running to lose those 20 pounds. Running to cleanse my soul. Running and realizing the gift of exercise that Jeff and Tiffany have given me again through the invitation to go back to boot camp. I ran 2.7 miles today, crying through most of it, and will be back at boot camp on Monday!

A new start. A new determination. Less caution. A cleansed soul. A reason to run and exercise!

{P.S. Blog Sale Post below if you missed it.}

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  1. you and I are in the same place, my friend.
    good for you.

  2. April- I went through something like that last February as well. Hugs to you! You're right, it's something you'll never forget.

    If you'd like, my story is up on my blog in the nav bar. You're more than welcome to read it. www.joyfuljones.com

  3. hugs friend.

    it's terrible and beautiful all at the same time. i don't know if it's good or bad, but it is nice to know that i'm not crazy when i can't shake it all the way. i've even had people tell me "i still think about mine 22 years ago". i guess it's good to know and not be surprised. it's just hard. and i'm sorry we're in the same club. it's not a good club to be in. but i'm glad we're in it together.

  4. April, you blog makes me cry a lot lately. I wasn't reading your blog yet, when all of the pregnancy/miscarriage stuff was going on and so watching that video pretty much breaks my heart.

    BUT, you're attitude, strength, and resilience inspires me. I've never had a miscarriage, but you still inspire me to keep my head up through my own trials.

    Love ya!

  5. I will keep you in my prayers friend! Sometimes you just need a good run and cry :)
    ~Molly P

  6. sigh. Sometimes all we can do i run and cry from that kind of thing. But isn't it funny that when we do those things it gives us the best clarity. Sorry for your loss April. Here's to being where we want to be next February.

  7. April, I'm so touched by this. I know, I've had 2. Our family has had a lot of hardships...lupus, cancer, autism and we are still looking up. Sometimes, you just need to let it out, though. If you need some encouragement in knowing you are not alone, feel free to visit here:
    I'm sorry for your loss and for the hardships you've have had to face.

  8. proud for you sweetie!! it's amazing how cleansing a workout or run really can be. the cares of the world just seem to melt away in those moments...at least for the moment. keep running girl!!
    {prayers and hugs}

  9. I'm so glad you WERE running when you heard that song. That you could work through your thoughts and emotions alone and showing yourself just what you're capable of ...
    I love the freedom of running, the way it can cleanse your heart and mind.
    The rush of endorphins at the end.
    {{Hugs & Happy Running}}

  10. I lost a pregnancy last August and still feel so raw sometimes. I hope your run and tears today help the healing to continue. I think we just need that sometimes to keep processing what happened.

  11. Someone very dear to me has been going through this recently and its been really hard...of course for her but also for me b/c Im learning the stages of grief right along with her since ive never experienced a miscarriage myself.
    I could picture you running as I read this. Im so glad you're on track to get where you want to be with your health. I need to do the same!
    And thank you for mentioning the giveaway today. I want everyone to "meet" you!

  12. oh girl, a hug to you. hoping the future holds all good things for you.

  13. Michelle, just reading through your blog and came across this post. So sorry for your loss. We lost a baby 16 years ago and it still hurts. There will always be a special place in our hearts for the little one we weren't able to know this side of Heaven. Hugs, Valerie

  14. I've never known the loss of a child but my prayers are with you and your family. My friend lost her triplets over a year ago and documented her journey through a blog as well...

    Thanks for sharing.

  15. Thank you for sharing your journey. I was diagnosed with post partum depression 4 months after losing our third baby last November (I was 13 weeks along). When medications couldn't help me, running did.
    Takes a strong person to go through what you did... your strength is inspiring. Happy running!


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