Today would have been my due date if I was still pregnant. I haven't really thought much about my due date the last 5 months. Every once in awhile...here and there....I would wonder how big I would be or what sex the baby would have been. But when I turned the calendar to September there it was...my due date...penciled in on the 21st.
I probably would have already delivered. Kaia was 1 week early and Blake was 3 weeks early. So I'm pretty sure I would have a babe in my arms by now. I am not overly sad. In July, during Blake's actual baptism, I had this overwhelming feeling that my family was complete. The first time that has ever happened to me. I couldn't really explain it, but I felt happy and content knowing we had baptized our 'baby' of the family. August was the first month we stopped trying for another. But nothing permanently decided yet.
I will be honest, it makes me wonder sometimes -- if I had those feelings in July, why did I get pregnant so easily in January when we turned the growing of our family into our Heavenly Father's hands. I've come to the conclusion that it was probably a test of my faith. It took a lot of faith and unselfishness on my part to turn over something so life changing as to adding another child with two so much older for Heavenly Father to guide us on. And the miscarriage, another growing moment that builds character and gives us experience. I'll take them both no matter how emotionally painful. To share with other women, create bonds and friendships. To continue on the journey of becoming the woman I want to become.
Every once in awhile I yearn for a baby on my chest. Dave yearns for it more than I do, I think. We will see what happens and what feelings transpire in the next few months. Until then, we are just enjoying our family and I smile humbly thinking that I passed a test of faith.
In honor of my due date, I thought I would share the baby names that were on our list....because baby names are always fun. In order of our favs.
Riley Mason (nicknamed Ry)
(with a nickname of Elle)
If you were going to have another baby...or are planning on having another baby...what would you name the babe?