8.01.2010

Torn.

Being an emotional wreck on vacation is no fun. I had a special day with my brother on Tuesday, the day before we left for our planned vacation. A much needed vacation for my husband and family. Jason hadn't eaten in three days and hadn't been out of bed in two. I sat in his room, we chatted (well I chatted) and we listened to a bunch of his favorite country songs. He tapped his finger to the beat of the music and I sang an oldie "Maybe it was Memphis" in a silly theatrical voice. I kept trying to feed him just a little something so that I could leave on vacation and know that he was going to start making another comeback. I cried a lot that day too. Feeling a little panicked about leaving, but not feeling strongly that I should cancel our vacation. I looked him in his eyes often too and begged him to hang on until we got home. (Now realizing how selfish that really was to do to him. To make him feel like he needs to hang in there, when really he could be feeling ready to return home.)


I cried on the beach all afternoon. Not sure if I should pack up my family and leave or stay until we get word. My mom called today and said it was getting rough. Jason is now on morphine and pretty much asleep most of the day and when awake he is having trouble breathing, but she didn't think we needed to come home yet. For some reason, typing this makes me think we should get in the car now and head home. But there is another part of me that thinks we could get home and sit around my mom and dad's house for another week.


Honestly, I love my last memory with Jason. I don't necessarily NEED more time with him, but I would like to be there when he passes on to continue his journey in heaven. To experience that very spiritual moment that I have heard people talk so tenderly about. To be there and see his peace. But we don't know exactly when that will be. And, at the same time I am nowhere near ready to say good-bye. Maybe that is why we are still here in San Clemente even though I am crying at dinner, at frozen yogurt, in Rite Aid and while typing this. I am torn. I am not feeling an urgency or prompting to get home though and that comforts me. I am trying to enjoy this time with my family. With my kids. They have been so good and sweet to their Uncle Jason and have given much service to him. The last few months have been very special times for our family in that regard. But right now, I wanted them to have this time off, to enjoy being kids. Enjoy time spent at our favorite beach spots as a family. Making memories. But if we have to leave, they will understand. And we will have plenty of time to make more memories.


Tomorrow we are planning Legoland. That was on Blake's agenda for this whole trip. I will probably cry from time to time while we are there. I can just imagine what people will think. But I don't care what people will think of me. I will also smile, laugh and love our family time and pray that Jason will feel comfortable and, honestly, selfishly pray for one more day everyday until we get home. Please don't judge me. I'm just not ready to write a eulogy. I'm not sure I ever will be.

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15 comments:

  1. I am sending hugs your way....I cannot begin to understand how you are feeling...I think you will know what you should do...and not feel guilty for not being there every second...I'm sure whether you think it or not....you need this time...and I'm sure your brother would really want you to have it....I'm so sorry that his journey right now is painful...I will continue to pray for peace and comfort...hang in there...you are an amazing sister...he is so lucky to have had you....

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  2. So sorry! I can't imagine dealing with that while on family vacation. I pray you feel His presence and comfort.

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  3. Hugs to you April, I will say a prayer for peace for both your entire family and your brother . I lost my oldest brother nearly two years ago. It is hard, but you will make it through.

    Julie

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  4. i am so sorry...i know what being away is like. that happened to us when my father passed away...thinking of you...xoxoxo

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  5. I'm so sorry to hear about your brother not doing well. I hope that he makes a turn for the better sometime soon. On a side note, we went to Legoland for the first time this Sat. and had so much fun! I was telling Ryan that this would be a perfect place for a kid that was 6-10 yrs. old, so I'm sure your son will love it! I hope you have a nice vacation, despite all the difficult things going on at home.

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  6. No judging. Ever. Jason will know if it's right to go while you're gone or maybe he's hanging in there for one more day with YOU. I think crying in Legoland is what most mothers do....albeit the BILL is what makes most of us cry, but whatever. :) You'll fit in.

    Take care and enjoy your family, bittersweet as it may be.

    Happy Monday.

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  7. Oh April I am sending some major hugs and prayers your way. I couldn't imagine what you are going through.

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  8. I've been thinking about you and your brother. I'm glad you had a nice day with him and have so many nice memories. Hang in there.

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  9. I can't even begin to feel your pain or imagine your sorrow. Please don't feel guilty. Your brother knows you love him completely and I know he would want you to enjoy this much needed time with your family. May God bless you and your family and when it is his time, may he comfort Jason on his journey home. XOXO

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  10. Huge hugs to you April! I'm praying for peace and comfort for Jason, and for you. That you will not feel torn and that He will let you know where you need to be.

    Blessings sweet friend....

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  11. Thinking of you and feeling your pain. You do what you need to do. Jason knows you are there for him and will continue to be there for his family. No judging, just lending support and wishing that Blake and Legoland brings you the smiles you deserve.
    http://barefootbysea.blogspot.com

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  12. Hi! I'm hopping over from Lyndsays blog!
    I love your blog and the way you write straight from your heart! Sorry about your brother and I pray he is not in pain.
    I cried when I read your "daughter became a woman" post. We are in the waiting stage at our house....waiting and waiting and waiting.

    I'm so glad to have found a new daily read! I look forward to coming back here often!
    Jen

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  13. So, so sorry, April! I think if you follow your heart, you'll know if Jason needs you to come home. You two have such a connection... Maybe he needs to know that you're away on a much needed vacay with your family before he can continue his journey. Let us know if we can help in any way. Love & Hugs to you, Dave, Kaia & Blake.

    Michelle

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  14. Hi April. I will be thinking of you, your family and your brother.

    Best always,
    Jennifer and family

    P.S. Top secret: Our 16 year old just got her first visit from Aunt Flo. And she is going into 11th grade!

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