Attending my own brother's funeral was very surreal. Like it wasn't really happening, but it was. I stood to give Jason's Life Story (eulogy), but can barely remember giving it. Like it wasn't really me up there. We knew this day was coming, but didn't believe that it would really come.
We would guess that there were close to 1000 people there. Yes I just typed ONE THOUSAND. A testament to what a well loved and great guy he was. I will post his Life Story here on my blog this week in parts. I spent two and half days writing it. Reading his journals, searching through his scriptures, sharing memories with family and friends, and doing my very best to do him justice. You only get one Eulogy and that was a lot of pressure on me. Two months ago I bawled when my mom asked me to give it. I said I couldn't. There was no way. That I didn't want that responsibility. Probably because I didn't want him to die. One of the other reasons was that I didn't want to be responsible for it was because I knew I would have to suppress my emotions that day. I would have to be in control and what if I just wanted to mourn and cry.
I did cry through parts of it. I started by telling everyone that I was dreading this day (the day of his funeral) because I knew I would be responsible for his Life Story. But what a great privilege it ended up being. I was reminded in his journals of what a close relationship that we had through his high school, college and mission years. Talking on the phone often. He wrote in his journal while he was in college "...my sister, April, and I are very close and it is very hard for both of us to be so far apart." So hard to read now, but so glad I had it to read.
I am hanging in there right now. I have my moments. And, am really due for a good cry. I have been suppressing my emotions. I had to stay focused to be able to write and deliver his Life Story. My husband has been amazing and supporting. Truly my rock.
Tomorrow we bury my brother. We have a simple but sweet service planned for the cemetery. Kaia is singing Be Still My Soul and Dave is dedicating the grave. My sister and I have a beautiful surprise planned for the end of the service. I can't wait to share the details later this week.
I will start posting Jason's Life Story on Tuesday. I hope you read it. He was worth knowing and his testimony of life is worth knowing too.