Wiping My Tears Away....

{Picture taken at Blake's Baptism.}

This is a good man. A sweet man. A sensitive man. A humble man. A funny man. A family man. My brother.

Emotions are on the brink again as we enter a new 'normal' with my brother Jason. Over the last two weeks he has not been able to communicate verbally. I miss hearing his voice. I miss his sense of humor. I miss his facial expressions. I would be lying if I said it wasn't tough. Where we used to get a pretty good smile and excited eyebrow raise upon walking in and saying hello to him, right now we barely get eye contact. But when he does make eye contact, it is strong, as if he wants you to read his soul.

Good thing I know what his soul is full of.....love, appreciation, a strong testimony of God and life after death. But, I want to know how he is feeling and what he is thinking right now. It was what we used to spend so much time chatting about and what brought me comfort. I know he still understands and hears everything said to him and I know he still enjoys time spent with people, but it is emotionally difficult carrying on a one-sided conversation when all you want is to know what his thoughts and feelings are.

Yesterday while I was talking to him, my eyes swelled with tears and started to spill over. I started to cry. He took his towel that was on his lap and wiped my tears away. It was sweet. And, while we might not have expression or verbal communication anymore, he is still here and present and I believe not wanting to give up yet, just letting his body and the cancer run it's course.

I keep joking with him that I am ready to call him 'The Comeback Kid' again and he can start talking anytime. Until then, I will call my dad's cell phone and listen to Jason say "Hi...you have reached Mike Erickson's cell phone......." and continue to let Jason wipe away my tears from time to time.

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  1. P.S. Dammit. Could be why I'm a tad bit emotional too. Those darn hormones.

  2. :-( BOO! i was going to comment on the picture of him on Blake's baptism post but didn't get a chance....when i read that he wiped away your tears, i had a catch in my breath....how touching and beautiful....he can still communicate - just not in the way you are used to. xoxoxo

  3. Beautiful post April. I had been thinking about you and wondering how your brother was doing. I got on today to link to etsy to buy some earrings from you! :) I am glad I did. I am glad I didn't miss this post. Hugs!

  4. Ahhh, I'm so sorry. That sounds just heartbreaking.

    Big hugs from Austin.

  5. Thanks for my inspiration for the day April........your mom told me to read this and I am glad she did. What a journey you are all on. A lot of us are just tagging along and learning so much about life.
    Love to you and all your family

  6. Oh April,

    if you need a shoulder...
    if you need a friend...
    if you need to laugh...
    if you need a vat of ice cream to drown you sorrow...call me ( I will even make some homemade for ya!)


  7. My heart goes out to you. I lost my Father last October to Brain Cancer and my Step Father on Thanksgiving day to Pancreatic Cancer. It is so difficult to watch loved ones go through such difficult times.

    Your post was beautiful...

    Karen @ www.barefootinportland.blogspot.com

  8. Beautifully written heartfelt words...I could feel them all the way here in Texas, so I can only imagine all the heartfelt goodness Jason feels from you!

    Praying for comfort while you get used to your new normal with him, and praying for healing for all of you.

    Huge Hugs, Alicia

  9. big hugs april.
    our house is praying for you

  10. What an incredibly sweet gesture...him wiping your tears. The bond you two have....I sincerely hope my children develop and experience it with one another. That is my hope.

  11. I cannot begin to fathom how you are feeling...I get teary eyed reading your updates on him....you have an amazingly strong brother....who I think he will help carry you all through this...I'm so happy that he knows where his journey is leading him...even though it's not when anyone wants....I pray that you all will continue to have strength in faith...and pray for his peace and comfort...and for yours too....hugs!

  12. That you can find the strength to write such beautiful words in the depth of your pain is a testimony to how wonderful you ALL are in your family.

    My heart and prayers are with you!

    My the peace that surpases all understanding fill your heart on this journey.

  13. My heart and prayers are with you all. I can only imagine your heartache but it is beautiful that you have formed such a wonderful bond and have no regrets about your relationship. Hang in there xoxoxo


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