Teaching Gospel Doctrine is hard. I didn't tell you, but two weeks ago I almost passed out while teaching. I had to sit down. I couldn't concentrate on my lesson material, I hadn't eaten any breakfast, wasn't feeling well and then add the nerves on top of it all that STILL come each Sunday --I was a mess. I sat while teaching some of my lesson and then was able to pull it together at the end to finish out the lesson material I had planned. Afterward I realized that while I had a prayer in my heart while preparing my lesson, I hadn't been on my knees in prayer specifically for my lesson. I'll never do that again.
This week I made sure that I went to my Heavenly Father in prayer, on my knees, for help in preparing and teaching my lesson. It went a little better. I did have a bit of anxiety hit me throughout the lesson though. That split second feeling of hearing myself talking inside my head, seeing black spots and feeling my mouth start to tingle from time to time. I tried to ignore it. Let it pass. Make myself believe that it was all in my head. But those feelings would not go away. I WAS NOT sitting down again (although I might bring a stool for next Sunday)! Instead, I relied on my prayer I had offered earlier in the week to help me and sustain me. And, I got through it. But honestly, I want to give up. I want to say 'I can't do it anymore'. It makes me too nervous. I am afraid that it will happen again next week. The pressure that I feel in preparing and giving this lesson puts me way outside of my comfort zone. I feel I don't understand deeply enough the scriptures. I can't read between the lines and interpret some of the versus I read. But then I remember that I was called to this calling for a reason and with more prayer I CAN do it. And, it will be good for me. And, Heavenly Father will make my weaknesses my strengths.
This week's lesson was on David and Bathsheba from the Old Testament. I likened the scripture story to a soap opera. It had all the right components. A married man. Lust after a married woman. Adultry. A pregnancy. Deceit and eventually murder. So much of the scriptures apply to our daily lives and I always crave more of it once I finish teaching my lesson. I want to discuss more, talk about it more, get to all the lesson material we didn't have time to cover. So I came home and ended up watching the movie "David and Bathsheba" made in 1951 on You Tube. It was neat to see all that I had been studying turned into a movie. I knew what was coming next, but what I really loved was that instead of just reading words to a scripture story, emotions were brought to life for me and the journey of David was intriguing...full of romance and sadness.
Allowing to entertain a single unclean thought brought so much heartache to David. He lost his exaltation. The thought of it made my heart ache for him. To think that I am exempt from that happening to me would be foolish. Like David, we don't sit down and think 'I'm going to have an affair that will lead to a murder' or 'I think that I will get addicted to pornography, drugs or alcohol' -- no it usually starts with one very little seed planted in our head that we allow to entertain longer than we should. One act leads to another act and then the consquences follow. The thought of it made me want to be a better person. To entertain good thoughts. To be even more loyal to my husband in every way possible. (Sorry I will probably not be referring to Roberto as 'yummy' anymore!) To let virtue garnish all my thoughts unceasingly.
I asked Kaia to sing the song "Let Virtue Garnish all my Thoughts Unceasingly" during my lesson. Here is a very 'rough' video of her singing the song at home. We had to use our computer because my sister has our video camera....but it still works. I think she has a beautiful voice. It was our YW Camp Theme Song this year and I just love what it makes me think about as think about the words.