Skirting Around.....

{smile big for the camera!}

...my emotions. I don't know if you have noticed, but I have. My writings recently have been pretty vague. They have been about things. Not feelings. I'm struggling right now. With my emotions. And who likes being a downer? I surely don't. But I am teary-eyed often. In fact, I was teary-eyed most of my time at the beach house, but hid it well. And, teary-eyed on my trip to Vegas too.

I can't stop thinking about my brother, Jason, and his lot in life. He is getting weaker each week and it is extremely difficult to watch. It's hard because I know that spending all this time with him will make it that much more difficult when the time comes to have to say good-bye to him, but at the same time, I wouldn't give up this time I have with him for anything. His attitude is still positive as is mine and he is still so grateful. But sometimes it is his gratefulness that also makes me sad.

The things that he is thanking me for....he should just be doing himself, not worried about whether he is thanking me enough. While he is eating, I lift his very weak left hand up from the side of his wheelchair to put it back on the table and he thanks me. I move his napkin closer to him so he can wipe his mouth, and he thanks me. I grab him a pillow so he can sit up straighter and he thanks me. I hand him his toothbrush, or shave him, or help him get dressed, and he thanks me. I told him that it wasn't necessary to thank me for every little thing. He then was worried that he didn't sound sincere. I confirmed that he always sounded very sincere but that on the days I am there all day....one big hug, kiss and a thank you at the end of the day would be sufficient. He didn't agree with me. He said no way because he is so thankful. But every time he says thank you it makes me sad. It is a constant reminder to not only me, but also to him of his trials in this life.

The one thing that brings most comfort is that there is really no pain with primary brain cancer. The brain itself doesn't feel pain. For that I am thankful.

There is a village taking care of my brother right now. All those he loves pitching in with his care. Enjoying our time with him. Time that we realize is limited unfortunately. At 34 years old, he has lived a very fulfilling life with still more time to live. But it is being cut too short. By something that hasn't been able to be stopped from growing. This is his lot in life and I am so thankful for his sense of humor during this difficult time. He still has a quick wit that keeps us all laughing. And boy do I sure need his wit and laughter right now.

Tuesdays and Fridays are my most favorite days these days. And when he is gone, I'm not quite sure what I will do with myself those days so I don't spend too much time thinking about it. I just start skirting around again.

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  1. Awww. I am crying for you!

    I think you are so awesome for spending those days with him, sounds like you both teach each other so much, and isn't that what brothers and sisters are for?

  2. I was in your exact shoes 12 years ago and I wouldn't trade a single minute that I spent with my brother for anything. I still miss him every day. I'm sending strength and prayers your way.

  3. May God bless you and your family. You are so sweet and pure-hearted. Always remember He is watching over you. Enjoy these precious moments and keep saying 'you're welcome'.

  4. i'm sorry. i can not imagine what you are going through so i will just say that i'm sorry....and how wonderful that you have this time to make memories with him and know not take this time for granted....

  5. I treasure every minute I spent with Jason these past few weeks. What a great guy. Give him a big hug from me and let me know if he needs more granola.

    Love you both,

  6. The love and lessons learned in this very trying time will lead you through your life.

    May God continue to bless you and your family... now and always.

    Try to look at his 'thank yous' as something positive... thank God for that moment that you got to hear his sweet voice, and he breathed the breath to say it.


  7. And thank you for crying with me yesterday. Truly a touching of spirits. And today is the 10th anniversary of his first surgery. I remember that the prognosis for this type of tumor was 7-10 years. We made it. Everyday now is more of a gift. A general authority once gave a talk about their family motto, "We do hard things." I think our family qualifies. But I also am constantly aware of the scripture that says "...all these things shall give thee experience."

    Love, Mom xoxo

  8. Please know that my heart, and thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  9. April I know your brother is loving this time he gets to spend with you :) I spend every Friday with my mom, sisters and brother and when Friday is over I can't wait until the next! You will look back at this time and remember all the fun you guys had together and I know that will make your heart fill with joy!! I will be praying for you and your family friend!
    ~Molly P

  10. Thank you for your post. I recently lost my mother-in-law to lung cancer that had spread to her brain and bones. I am so thankful I was there to care for her the day before she passed away. You will be so glad that you did to. In regards to your post Shari, Section 122 of the Docctrine & Covenants is a section I turn to often. This section brought my Dad a lot of comfort during his struggles with cancer. It is so powerful.

  11. sending love!! I can't even imagine how difficult it must be. You're a strong woman. Sometimes it seems you have been given a disproportionate amount of pain in your short lifetime. I am amazed by your fortitude. Hang in there. Hugs from Utah. Wish I was closer!

  12. you are such a good sister! isn't is strange how our trials seem like the end of the world some days and then other days you realize that if you had to choose your trials or trade with someone else... you would probably choose your own. you are so sweet april and know that i think of you often.

  13. April, your heart and spirit is so true! I know that you feel these things because you are such a caring person, a lesser person wouldn't let it into thier herat, so therefore you have NOTHING to feel like a downer for! You are a caring, loving person and Jason, Blake and everyone else that you touch is blessed to have you in their lives!

    Big {{{HUGS}}} to you, and we should talk soon :)


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