...my emotions. I don't know if you have noticed, but I have. My writings recently have been pretty vague. They have been about things. Not feelings. I'm struggling right now. With my emotions. And who likes being a downer? I surely don't. But I am teary-eyed often. In fact, I was teary-eyed most of my time at the beach house, but hid it well. And, teary-eyed on my trip to Vegas too.
I can't stop thinking about my brother, Jason, and his lot in life. He is getting weaker each week and it is extremely difficult to watch. It's hard because I know that spending all this time with him will make it that much more difficult when the time comes to have to say good-bye to him, but at the same time, I wouldn't give up this time I have with him for anything. His attitude is still positive as is mine and he is still so grateful. But sometimes it is his gratefulness that also makes me sad.
The things that he is thanking me for....he should just be doing himself, not worried about whether he is thanking me enough. While he is eating, I lift his very weak left hand up from the side of his wheelchair to put it back on the table and he thanks me. I move his napkin closer to him so he can wipe his mouth, and he thanks me. I grab him a pillow so he can sit up straighter and he thanks me. I hand him his toothbrush, or shave him, or help him get dressed, and he thanks me. I told him that it wasn't necessary to thank me for every little thing. He then was worried that he didn't sound sincere. I confirmed that he always sounded very sincere but that on the days I am there all day....one big hug, kiss and a thank you at the end of the day would be sufficient. He didn't agree with me. He said no way because he is so thankful. But every time he says thank you it makes me sad. It is a constant reminder to not only me, but also to him of his trials in this life.
The one thing that brings most comfort is that there is really no pain with primary brain cancer. The brain itself doesn't feel pain. For that I am thankful.
There is a village taking care of my brother right now. All those he loves pitching in with his care. Enjoying our time with him. Time that we realize is limited unfortunately. At 34 years old, he has lived a very fulfilling life with still more time to live. But it is being cut too short. By something that hasn't been able to be stopped from growing. This is his lot in life and I am so thankful for his sense of humor during this difficult time. He still has a quick wit that keeps us all laughing. And boy do I sure need his wit and laughter right now.
Tuesdays and Fridays are my most favorite days these days. And when he is gone, I'm not quite sure what I will do with myself those days so I don't spend too much time thinking about it. I just start skirting around again.