Life is Hard Sometimes....Really Hard.

I'm up at 4:15 am. I can't sleep. I'm thinking of all the really hard things my family and I have experienced through the years (and I add my family, because we have always done the really hard things together-as a family).......

I married the wrong guy at age 19. He made a few wrong choices and at the age of 21 my home was ransacked by the FBI and my then-husband was arrested and spent a few days in jail only to be released due to lack of evidence a week later. That was hard.

At 22, realizing that I had married the wrong guy, well I really think he was the one that made the final decision for me, I found myself divorced. And, while I had to mourn a life I had once dreamed of, I ended up finding peace and happiness alone. That was hard.

Married to the right guy for only a few months, I found myself alone - 3000 miles across country from my family, while my Air Force husband boarded a plane for a stint in Haiti....missing our first big holidays together. I cried a lot those 3 months. That was hard.

Postpartum depression after delivering Kaia in 1997. That was hard.

Receiving a phone call early one morning with news that my younger brother had a grand mal seizure while on vacation and was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Watching him and his family's life change 10 years ago and enduring his first surgery and second surgery this last year - That was hard.

Receiving another phone call from my sister with her news that her husband was hit by a car and thrown 30 feet in the air while delivering UPS packages one morning and left permanently partially paralyzed on his left side. That was hard.

Being told that our second child would be born with Spina Bifida, a permanently disabling birth defect, just 3 short weeks before his due date. Really hard.

Miscarrying a baby at almost 3 months just a couple of months ago. That was hard.

Trying to say good-bye to my younger brother, my only brother, this week as his journey here on earth comes to an end. The hardest thing I have ever had to do so far. Words....there are none. Just tears and so many thoughts and so many tears.

My faith in the Plan of Salvation is strong. I believe in Heaven. I believe in Jesus Christ, that He is our Savior. I believe in a loving Heavenly Father who is awaiting each of our return, with honor, to live with Him again someday. And, I know that I will see my brother again. That we are an eternal family.

But this right now.....this is so hard. I am going to miss him so much and I can't even begin to imagine how much his little family is going to miss him. I want to tell him so many things, but I don't want to worry him or make him feel what we all know....that his time is short, even though I am sure he knows.

Today I am bringing Jason one of my favorite CD's to listen to while we all sit together. Nearer is one of mine and Kaia's favorite compilations of favorite spiritual songs. I listened to it non-stop when we found out we lost our baby. The words brought me so much comfort and peace and I hope my brother enjoys it today as much as I do. It's going to be another hard day but already, as I think of the words of Richard G. Scott in the Plan of Salvation talk highlighted above and the words of the songs on the Nearer CD, I truly start to feel some peace and the tears begin to subside and I know that Heaven is looking down on us right now and offering that peace and little bit of comfort.

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  1. how blessed your brother has been to have you as his sister, dave as his brother-in-law and kaia and blake as his niece and nephew. love and compassion are all i hear in your words when you "speak" of him. may the Heavenly Father be with all of you - your entire family - during this time, as He always is....all my love

  2. I know there is nothing I can say to help you get through this. You're strong but I can only imagine how horrible all of this is for you and your family. I pray that you'll be lifted up. I heard a mother once who was speaking at the funeral of her 6 year old daughter say..." We're always told that God will not give us more than we can handle, well, I can't handle this. I think he does give us more than we can handle and we have to turn to him in order to make it through."

  3. Words cannot express the sorrow and sadness that I feel for you and your family. I can't even quite figure out how to word this... so I do apologize for the jumble...

    You are so blessed to have the knowledge and understanding of God's plan and love for us all. You are so blessed to have learned the lessons you have learned, to have the experiences you have experienced... to love those you have loved. Each and every person is placed in our lives for a reason, and sadly for very few seasons at times. It is awful that your brothers season is coming to it's end... I pray that you can look back and remember the love, remember the laughs... and mostly remember him. Heavenly Father is waiting with open arms to greet him and will hold him near as he waits for the day you all will meet again.

    I am praying for you, for your family, and for your brother. My heart goes out to you.


  4. Enjoy the moments with your brother. You won't trade that time with him for anything. My brother suffered 18 months with a brain tumor and left three young kids when he died. I'm praying for your family to have strength and comfort.

    Ellen in Boston

  5. I am praying for you and your family during this beyond difficult time... I can't even imagine losing a sibling at such a young age. Prayers.

  6. April - There is really nothing I can do even though I wish so much to remove your pain. You, your brother and your family are all in my prayers.

  7. Thank you for this post Arpil. I love you and your family and will always has a special place in my heart for J. Our testimonies really are all we have when things get hard, to pull us through. Thank you for sharing yours.

  8. Hi April! The only thing that I can offer you is prayer and prayer is powerful! I fully believe in the power of prayer! I will be praying for peace and calmness for you and your entire family and for God's will for your family. The Lord never gives you more than you can handle and He is with you always! Blessings friend!
    ~Molly P

  9. April - you exude strength that I respect and envy. I am sorry that that fact doesn't make anything easier. My prayers are with you and your family. Keep praying - he will comfort you. You already know that don't you...

    - Kami

  10. You are my hero. Good luck and hang in there! I'll be thinking about you.

    Mel :)

  11. These are powerful words and I am glad you shared them. I will be thinking of you.

  12. You are a blessing to your family and visa versa. When we lost Ralph's dad in March he said although it was hard he can't imagine when people have to go thru it without God. Find comfort that you know your brother will be with our Heavenly Father soon. Rejoice for what is waiting for him.

  13. I am so terribly sorry. I cannot begin to imagine the pain and sorrow you are feeling right now....I can say I actually understand a few of those hard things that you've experienced....but this is one I surely cannot....I'm so humbled by your continuing faith through this....whenever God hands me a situation I feel is almost too difficult for me to bear at times....I try to remember it's those times he carries me....know we are all here with you to help listen to you....Even as I sit here so sad at all you will have to go through soon....I just wish it was easier for us to be rejoiceful in our loved ones journey home.....My thoughts and prayers are with you!

  14. In my thoughts and prayers...you, your brother and his beautiful family.

  15. April, I am constantly in awe of the way you handle these trials. You are such an example to me and my family. Know that our thoughts and prayers are with you and your entire family. You have a great family.

    ps I also love Nearer. It is such an uplifting cd. The last song is colin's brother and is my favorite.

  16. my dear friend,
    at times like this I really feel like nothing I say is the right thing, because nothing can ease the pain. You are so lucky to have had the last 10 years with Jason although lucky may not be what your feeling at the moment. You are so lucky although you are near the end and saying goodbye to actually be able to be by his side and say goodbye. Watching him go through this for years has not been easy I am sure, whenever I read about a car fatality or sudden death I always feel so bad that they never got the chance to say these final words and for the family as well. If you have things you want to say to him, then please do...he will understand, he knows, and you don't want to have any regrets. You and Jason have a bond that can never be broken, even by death! He lives on in ways through his memories and through his children, it might be a look they give, an expression, an attitude and when you see it, Jason will be there and you will smile. So I am now in tears as I type... it makes me so sad. It sucks, ya, it totally sucks, and if you need to say it, then say it and say it LOUD, I will say it with you! If you need anything...please call, a meal, a sitter, an errand done, I am here. I will say a pray tonight as I hug my kids a little tighter...((hugs))

  17. My heart goes out to all of you, April. This made me cry. Life IS really hard sometimes. I'm grateful for your testimony and that you know Heavenly Father will be with you. You'll continue to be in my prayers.

  18. I am good at cooking. I am good at decorating. I am good at crafting. But... I am terrible at using words to comfort the ones I love. Please know that even though my words are jumbled- they are sincere. I am so sorry that you have to go through what you're going through. I weep when you hurt. I know all will be well, even though it may take quite some time to be there. Please know that we are sincerely praying for peace for you in this difficult time.

  19. April, my heart aches for you and your family. I feel like I know a little bit about them all from what you've shared here on your blog. What a gift you have given to have it here in print.... sweet memories, pretty pictures, touching stories and real thoughts and feelings that will last longer then the rest of us. I'm thinking of you all and sending prayers your way. Love you guys!

  20. Oh April. I don't know what to say. I fear that anything I say will sound trite and insincere. We are thinking of you and praying for you (and all of your family). You are loved!

  21. April, I have happened upon your blog a few times in the past year. I wanted you to know that I said a prayer for your brother and his family as well as your entire family last night and I am going to again tonight. I hope that you will find peace and comfort in knowing that the heavenly Father has a spot reserved for each of us and your Brother's journey is only just beginning. He will have such joy and be pain free with he meets the Lord. I wish you peace in the coming days.


  22. Times like these I realize I'm the friend that comes and sits silently. Watching movies, holding hands, or just being in the same room. I'm not much for words that others so eloquently say and that you already know.

    My thoughts are with you, April. Continue each day as you do all the others....with a light and word of kindness for all those around you.


I heart comments! Just one rule that I'm sure your momma taught you...if you don't have anything nice to say...please don't say anything at all!

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