I'm up at 4:15 am. I can't sleep. I'm thinking of all the really hard things my family and I have experienced through the years (and I add my family, because we have always done the really hard things together-as a family).......
I married the wrong guy at age 19. He made a few wrong choices and at the age of 21 my home was ransacked by the FBI and my then-husband was arrested and spent a few days in jail only to be released due to lack of evidence a week later. That was hard.
At 22, realizing that I had married the wrong guy, well I really think he was the one that made the final decision for me, I found myself divorced. And, while I had to mourn a life I had once dreamed of, I ended up finding peace and happiness alone. That was hard.
Married to the right guy for only a few months, I found myself alone - 3000 miles across country from my family, while my Air Force husband boarded a plane for a stint in Haiti....missing our first big holidays together. I cried a lot those 3 months. That was hard.
Postpartum depression after delivering Kaia in 1997. That was hard.
Receiving a phone call early one morning with news that my younger brother had a grand mal seizure while on vacation and was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Watching him and his family's life change 10 years ago and enduring his first surgery and second surgery this last year - That was hard.
Receiving another phone call from my sister with her news that her husband was hit by a car and thrown 30 feet in the air while delivering UPS packages one morning and left permanently partially paralyzed on his left side. That was hard.
Being told that our second child would be born with Spina Bifida, a permanently disabling birth defect, just 3 short weeks before his due date. Really hard.
Miscarrying a baby at almost 3 months just a couple of months ago. That was hard.
Trying to say good-bye to my younger brother, my only brother, this week as his journey here on earth comes to an end. The hardest thing I have ever had to do so far. Words....there are none. Just tears and so many thoughts and so many tears.
My faith in the Plan of Salvation is strong. I believe in Heaven. I believe in Jesus Christ, that He is our Savior. I believe in a loving Heavenly Father who is awaiting each of our return, with honor, to live with Him again someday. And, I know that I will see my brother again. That we are an eternal family.
But this right now.....this is so hard. I am going to miss him so much and I can't even begin to imagine how much his little family is going to miss him. I want to tell him so many things, but I don't want to worry him or make him feel what we all know....that his time is short, even though I am sure he knows.
Today I am bringing Jason one of my favorite CD's to listen to while we all sit together. Nearer is one of mine and Kaia's favorite compilations of favorite spiritual songs. I listened to it non-stop when we found out we lost our baby. The words brought me so much comfort and peace and I hope my brother enjoys it today as much as I do. It's going to be another hard day but already, as I think of the words of Richard G. Scott in the Plan of Salvation talk highlighted above and the words of the songs on the Nearer CD, I truly start to feel some peace and the tears begin to subside and I know that Heaven is looking down on us right now and offering that peace and little bit of comfort.