I would be lying if I said I was all smiles today.
Today has been particularly tough.
Bawled earlier and have been teary ever since.
Wishing so badly I was still pregnant.
I didn't imagine this journey/process would be this tough.
I was hoping that each day just got easier but some days are tougher than others.
I'd like to think it might be hormones.

Evenings are particularly harder than daytime.
But not today.
I keep catching my profile in the front bathroom mirror.
There really should be an excuse for my protruding stomach.
But there isn't anymore.
It's just weight that I need to lose now.

Friday evening I had the unfortunate opportunity of still experiencing
labor pain/miscarriage of some sorts even after my D&C.
I found myself doubled over on the couch in pain.
"Like I was getting ready to deliver" I told the on-call doctor over the phone....
while trying to control my breathing to manage my pain.
I found myself taking a cleansing breath, followed by slow breathing
and then quickly followed by "he, he, hooooo" breaths.
Then a cleansing breath. Then a break.

Dave timed the contractions. That is what I decided they were.
45 secs to a min long EVERY 2 minutes.
For over 2 hours.
Then I passed a pretty large clot.
And viola.....no more cramping pains.
NO more. Not even one.
Pain free since then.
Relief really.

Now I just wish the emotional pain would go away completely.
Not sure that is happening until....
maybe I am pregnant again?
I don't know.
That seems like then there would be something to look forward to again.
I think that might be the hardest thing right now.
Waiting...not sure what to do.
My mind changes hourly.

Three weeks ago I could browse the Target section and pick out....
infant car seats, baby clothes, smell baby lotion and it was all reality.

On Monday I went to Target.
Tried to stay away from the baby section, but just couldn't.
I wanted to find that little girl outfit I had bought three weeks earlier.
I wanted to get it in a size 3 months instead of the 9 months one I had at home.
Because if I get pregnant again I will need it in a smaller size for summer.
If it's a girl.
I felt like I was sneaking around the baby section so no one
who saw me would think I had lost my mind.
I found the outfit and put it in my cart.
Then decided to hide it in my cart
so no one would see it and think I had lost my mind.
I kept telling myself that I shouldn't be buying it.
That I had no business buying it.
But I couldn't put it back.

Instead I texted Dave and told him....
"just bought a baby outfit, I feel like a crazy woman, but can't help myself."

I'm just ready to get off this roller coaster of emotions,
but I have a feeling....it's going to be a long ride.

Will you stay around until the ride ends?
I sure hope so.
I need your hand too.
Especially since his won't be home for another two hours.
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  1. Hang in there, April! I also wish every day it would get a little easier for you. But some days are just tough, and sometimes they are completely out of the blue. You are not crazy for buying baby clothes. I think it is a good sign. You are still so hopeful, and full of faith, too! That is admirable. Wishing you comfort today!

  2. Oh, April. I get this all too well. I have all my maternity clothes out still because I can't bear to put them away. I really wanted to wear them, especially my maternity jeans. I don't have any grand words of wisdom, but I wish I did. I'm thinking of you.

  3. Hi April! I don't what to say since I have never experienced your pain. But please know I am praying for you and your family through this time. Sending you hugs and love from NC :)
    ~Molly P

  4. You KNOW i'm here for the ride.
    Love you.

  5. Hugs April...

    I know what you mean about bad days out of the blue...I spent mine in bed bawling and writing today until my babies got honme from school. Then we played and giggled... and as soon as they were in bed I was right back to where I started the day....

    Praying tomorrow is better for you!

  6. i'm sorry i didn't see this yesterday....i know EXACTLY how you feel and know EXACTLY what you were going through yesterday....it does get better....i don't know when but i've been promised it will, so i have to have faith that it will....it's a little better for me but, yes, i'm wondering if it won't be completely better until i get pregnant again. our hands are always here for you to hold....

  7. I'll stay along for the ride! Sending hugs and prayers from Alton, Illinois. I have told a few of my moms group friends about you and your story and asked them for prayers for you too. Thinking of you!

  8. Of course we will all stay around for the ride! We have all been through these kinds of rides for one reason or another and we all know what it feels like. It ain't fun. You never know how long it will last but I can promise you it won't be forever, even if it feels like it sometimes. Hang in there. Lots of love coming your way. xox

  9. I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. We've been trying for a little over 2.5 years now and nothing. I can't help myself from perusing the baby isle at Target either. I just want to have another one so much, and I see all the new things out and keep hoping. I know you can make it through this, I'll stick it out with you :)

  10. Having lost my first, and now pregnant again, when people ask me "Is this your first?" I want to launch into a big description of...yes, the first to make it this far, and then describe to them what happened, just to make it seem like that 8 weeks last spring was real, and not lost. That that was a BABY not just a crappy couple of months. It isn't my first, but it is...So prayers for you and your family and your health and your patience.

  11. Oh April! My heart breaks with yours. Not because I know what you are going through but because I can feel your pain when you write. You are very good at conveying your feelings into your words. I know you will get through this but I hope you know that there are people like me who never see you but still pray for your healing and happiness.
    - Kami

  12. You are such a sweetheart. Anytime you wanna swap crazy stories, I'm totally in. :)

    You are in my thoughts and prayers. I know how hard the emotional process is and I just wanted to let you know I'm available to you if you need any extra support. Email me any time.

    Remember to take care of yourself.
    Mel :)


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