Each day is getting easier. And each day brings a new desire and a stronger WANT for another baby. My heart aches as I have spent so much time thinking of others who have lost, as we have, or even harder yet are still struggling to become pregnant. Know that I am thinking of you at this time and praying for peace and comfort for you too.
I wanted to share just SOME of the special words we have received these past couple of days. I think often in difficult times of grieving and loss we aren't quite sure what to say. But again, I want you ALL to know....you all said the right things. I was so dreading the "natural selection" thought on miscarriage. I already know this and it does not really help ease the pain. And I was so glad that it wasn't mentioned in the sweet notes of encouragement. The "I'm sorry's"....or "I know your pain".....or the following I am going to share really mean so much more.
Here are again, just a FEW, that have meant so much to us and have brought me tears of gladness and comfort....(I am keeping all anonymous)
"I've never experienced something like this myself so I'm not going to try and come up with something wise or clever to say. Just know that I have grown to care about your entire family over the years and I am always a phone call away. Hang in there my friend and tell April I'm thinking of her as well." (This was a personal note to Dave and I was so grateful for it. The dads are usually not as equally rallied around during these difficult times. This made Dave feel very special.)
"I just wanted to say thank you for bravely sharing your lives with so many people. Although, we do not spend time together, I feel like I know you so well. It hurts to see the pain you are suffering now. I just wanted you to know that your lives truly are an inspiration to me. Your family is an inspiration to both me & J. Your stories, your trials, your good & bad times all have an impact on the lives of others. I believe you were meant to share your lives with others and inspire us to love a little more and remember what family is all about. I know this might sound strange, but I just really felt compelled to tell you this." (addressed to both Dave and I from an old friend from school. I sometimes wonder if I share too much publicly, but I truly believe we have so much to learn from each other if we are open and honest about our private lives. Thank you for validating this....it is a bit scary to post our loss and the feelings associated with it, but knowing others have experienced it or willing to support us through it means so much. I couldn't imagine doing this alone.)
"This is one of those times where I have no idea what to say so I am just going to write my feelings. I was very sad to hear that news. I hate that things like this happen to such good people. This is one of those times when I cannot comprehend God's plan, but I do know that he has a plan and is watching over you. My personal feeling is that whatever spirits you are supposed to have as part of your family unit will come to you in time. You guys are some of my most cherished friends, and I honestly cry when you cry, and share joy when you are joyful. I dont expect anything I say will help in your pain, but I hope you feel a small bit of comfort in knowing that I am praying for your family. It is amazing how many friends you guys have, that is a tribute to the type of people you are. Please know that if there is ANYTHING I can do for you, I will do it." (I bawled through this one....it is humbling to know people are praying for our family and love us and cry with us...and, what you wrote did help with our pain and brought us comfort...as did all the notes, both long and short. We are truly grateful for each of our friends.)
"I've been praying for your family all weekend and words just can't express how sorry I am that this happened to you and your husband and kids. I know the pain too well to have a loss like that. It is one that can really only heal with time and thru relying on your family and friends and the Lord. I love you guys so much." (again knowing friends have taken time from their busy lives to pray for our little family is so humbling and touching and every time I read it from somebody it makes me cry....a healing cry.)
"I’ve been thinking about you this week. I am so sorry to hear about the pregnancy. I lost my first pregnancy at exactly the same time. April, I am truly so so sorry! All my love and prayers go out to you and your family. I know too keenly this kind of heartbreak. Everyone experiences it differently, but just know that I am here if you need any support. I wish I lived closer so that I could bring over a meal, some hot chocolate, and a comfortable movie. E-mail me if you need to. And you can always call (even though we’ve never actually spoken, I feel like you are a dear friend)." (And, then she gave me her cell phone number. This one made me jump for joy and made me and Dave giggle a bit through our tears. I do consider her a dear friend too, but someone I have only communicated over the internet with and have on so many occasions wished I had her cell phone number to just give her a call. Dave has even suggested I ask for her cell phone number on different occasions just so we could talk. Know that I will be calling you....very soon!)
From those of you that have experienced this pain, I can't begin to tell you how much the one line "I know this pain" means to me and to those who honestly shared "I don't know this pain, but know how sorry I am" means so much too. And, even the simplest "I'm sorry" was so comforting.
One last one I want to share was an email I received this morning.....from another internet friend. I am sharing this one because she perfectly explains, in her own experience, exactly what happened to our baby too.
"I had the exact same thing happen to me right before Christmas….. found out we were expecting on November 16th, spent the next three weeks completely in love with our little Pea, hurting boobs, expanding waist, enjoying eating snacks every 20 minutes when I felt pukey, all of it. We were so ecstatic we couldn’t contain ourselves…..then went in for our ultrasound and more blood work and nothing but the sac and fetal pole, no heartbeat and very strong indications that there were genetic/chromosomal issues. I had to have a D&C...and deal, for the next two weeks, with the same pregnancy symptoms until my body realized that it was gone…..Please know that my telling you what I went through is NOT to take away in any way from what you are going through….I only tell you so that you know you are not alone…..I hope you can feel all of the love, prayers and hugs coming your way……my wish and prayers for you are hope, faith and love…..and just know you are not alone and there are others out there crying with you for your loss…." (I am finding great comfort in knowing that I am not alone. Thank you for sharing your story and sweet thoughts of love and prayer.)
So now my question to you, and it is a personal one, but I need advice. I have a choice to make right now......wait out (up to 3 weeks) to miscarry or move forward with a D&C. I really don't know what to do right now. My head says "wait to miscarry" and I thought my heart would too, but my heart wants to move on sooner than later....I think. Any thoughts from women that have experienced this would be wonderful right now. You all have helped so much so far. I really do appreciate your thoughts.
Well, I miscarried with my first. My body had already started it and I had no choice. When I had my second miscarriage I chose the D&C. My first reason for it was because we were leaving for our trip and since my body could decided to miscarry while we were on our vacation, it seemed more logical. I also didn't want to experience the pain that I had with the miscarriage. The whole time I was bleeding and clotting, it was just so much pain. Physical, emotional, everything. I didn't want to do that again. The D&C just made more sense for me. I needed it to be over so I could mourn and heal. I didn't want to have to wait for it.
ReplyDeleteI honestly think you'll know which one is right for you. Your heart will tell you which way to do it. Neither way is easy.
April, I am so sorry you even have to make this decision. I hate that you have to go through this. Know that I am thinking of you and praying for you and your family. I wish I could do something to help you. Know that you are loved.
April, i have never commented before and hate to make this the time to de-lurk, as it is a hard, sad, and stretching time for you and your family...I am so sorry for your loss. In the past, I miscarried 3 times in a row. They were hard. I can say that after they happened, the lessons (some lessons right away, some much later) learned from each were priceless. I have literally heard (through an amazing experience with prayer and the Spirit) people praying for me. Whether you hear it or not, the same is happening for you, as, I'm sure, you already know. I don't know you but am included in those praying:)...
ReplyDeleteNow, another reason for the delurk is this...my sister was as far along as you when she miscarried and she had the 'wait and let it happen' option. Her heart told her that was best. She ended up having a very scary experience and ended up in the hospital, needing transfusions etc... I will spare you the details and i'm sure that her experience was fairly uncommon. I just wanted to share it with you because, while it will most likely happen normally, there is a possiblilty that it may cause even further pain and heartache, followed by a tough physical recovery. I normally don't jump on people's blogs and give advice and share personal spiritual experiences (i promise!), for some reason, i just felt like i should share this. Whatever you decide to do, I pray for your continued peace and further comfort. love to you!
I echo what another said. Neither one is easy, but I find it is always best to follow our intuition--the Spirit. Trust those feelings. All of our experiences are so unique, it is impossible for us to really know what you need--both physically and emotionally. But you will be guided.
ReplyDeleteSending love and hugs and thoughts and prayers.
<3
I should add, that as long as your doctor/care provider gives you all the info on each route, and is aware of how your body is doing in the process, either choice would be healthy ...
ReplyDeleteJust make sure your doc follows up with you.
((hugs))
As with everything in life, pray hard and pray with all you have. For me, I didn't have the coice, my body started miscarrying on it's own. The physical pain was hard. But the reminder and emotional toll this takes on you is hard as well. I had wished so hard for this to end so that my husband and I could grieve our sweet baby and pray for his or hers comfort in God's arms.
ReplyDeleteLean on the Lord and He will lead you.
*hugs*
Remember I was MUCH further along, full term, but the same ideas apply. For me I didn't have a choice. I was too far along and too unstable in my own heal, my heal care providers thought it best to stablize me first, then induce labor. The agony of KNOWING my child was no longer alive and yet still inside of me was too much for me. As soon as my heart accepted the facts, my body followed suit and went into labor all on it's own, and I only labored an hour and a half when I was told it usually takes 24 to 48 hours with a stillbirth. I had Taylor within 24 hours of finding out, to say my health care provier was not happy is putting it mildly, but my body and the Lord knew what was right for me, because I just could NOT have done days!
ReplyDeleteYour heart knows the right choice for you, the Lord will guide you on it, and when you are at peace your body will respond to that choice. I firmly believe this.
Much continued love and prayer to all of you.
I want you to know I completely and utterly understand the confusion and mixed feelings you are having right now....I really at first was not given the choice last year when I found out that Beanie had passed away. My Doctors told me they wanted me to have the d and c done within following 3 days...mainly due to them not feeling like I would be able to miscarry on my own...That was an incredibly hard thing to hear...as I wanted this to be a natural thing...After praying and talking with family...I was at peace with the fact that maybe God placed these doctors here to help the situation out. God had already called my baby home...what was left was just it's body...just as when we are born. However, God had his own plan as usual...unfortunately it wasn't as nice and as timely as I would have liked. However, I was able to miscarry before the d and c....though they did end up doing the procedure to make sure everthing was a ok....because they knew how much I wanted to get pregnant again relatively soon. The only advice I can give you is to pray about it....talk wtih Dave...and realize....your angel is in heaven....and whether you decide to have it or not...will not make you a bad mother....
ReplyDeletemuch love
Lesley
Again, I'm so sorry April. I agree that going into it with prayer is the only way but I will tell you my experience and hope it helps.
ReplyDeleteI was actually never given the option whether to have a D&C or not, they just told me I was having one. In retrospect I'm outraged by that but a part of me is really grateful not to have had to make the choice because I honestly don't know what I'd have done and I really think having to go through a lengthy miscarriage process would have been too much for me after what we had already been through. I was very young though, and very much alone (apart from my husband, I had virtually no support) and in an extremely difficult place emotionally for other reasons on top of the miscarriage.
Because you are in a different place in your life..I can't say what would be better for you, but I can say that although the D&C experience was extremely traumatic, I think it would have been worse without it and if I could do it over, I would get the D&C again.
Again so many (((()))) as you deal with this.
April...
ReplyDeleteMy friend,
I was 11 weeks when we went in after some mild spotting and there was no heart beat, just a growing sac with no baby inside. At that point they gave me a prescription of meds to help aid with the miscarriage process. I had to take 2 rounds of the meds, and almost 2 weeks later I still had not miscarried so I had to go with a D&C. It was uncomfortable, but I used no pain meds during the process and it did not take long. It was a relief to know it was over...but it had been nearly two weeks of trying to get this over...I had come to terms with the actual losing of the baby but I felt like it was a longer process than need be... each person is different and when I look back on the experience I never think about how it ended but only that I miss the baby I never held.
I can tell you however and I am sure I have told you the story as we lay in bed at night chatting on one of our long overdue scrapbook weekends that just 2 1/2 weeks after my D&C I was pregnant again...with Ella (and a twin that vanished early on) So it was meant to be...Ella is just my little love.
I am sure all of our "lost" little ones are playing together in heaven, and it makes me happy to think so....
I Love you and your whole family so much, you are in our prayers.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing such personal stories. I have received such great and gentle advice both here and through emails. I have decided on going with the D&C. What it comes down to is that I feel that the emotional pain will be the same regardless, but I can ease the physical pain for me and for my husband experiencing me miscarry. The surgery scheduler is trying to schedule the D&C for either Tuesday or Wednesday of next week and if I start bleeding this weekend, my doctor is on call and has told me to go straight to the ER and he will meet me there to perform an emergency D&C. He has been so tender and gentle also with both of us...only wanting to do what we want to do.
ReplyDeleteThank you again....I couldn't ask for better friends whose honesty I so appreciate.
April, this is the first time I've been to your sweet blog. I came across it today after reading your comment on my amazing friend Natalie's blog (Where I Am).
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you as you walk through this trial. I know the confusion, heartache and anguish that come with the devastating loss of a little one(s). I pray that you receive comfort and relief and that with time, the wounds will begin to heal.
I know that it takes an inordinate amount of strength and courage to face the choices that accompany a miscarriage. I also see that you are strong, beautiful and beloved by many. It is my wish that you will be able to see your great worth in the eyes of those around you. Thank you for sharing such a tender story. You’ll be in my thoughts.
April, I'm so very sorry.... I miscarried my first and I chose the "natural" process. It seems to me that with a D&C they scrape you out to clean everything out, which bothers me. It will be hard with the waiting part of it, but you need the time to heal emotionally and physically. Hang in there girl. It Sounds weird, but our bodies are amazing and I know Heavenly Father will take care of you:) You are all in my prayers.
ReplyDelete