Each day is getting easier. And each day brings a new desire and a stronger WANT for another baby. My heart aches as I have spent so much time thinking of others who have lost, as we have, or even harder yet are still struggling to become pregnant. Know that I am thinking of you at this time and praying for peace and comfort for you too.
I wanted to share just SOME of the special words we have received these past couple of days. I think often in difficult times of grieving and loss we aren't quite sure what to say. But again, I want you ALL to know....you all said the right things. I was so dreading the "natural selection" thought on miscarriage. I already know this and it does not really help ease the pain. And I was so glad that it wasn't mentioned in the sweet notes of encouragement. The "I'm sorry's"....or "I know your pain".....or the following I am going to share really mean so much more.
Here are again, just a FEW, that have meant so much to us and have brought me tears of gladness and comfort....(I am keeping all anonymous)
"I've never experienced something like this myself so I'm not going to try and come up with something wise or clever to say. Just know that I have grown to care about your entire family over the years and I am always a phone call away. Hang in there my friend and tell April I'm thinking of her as well." (This was a personal note to Dave and I was so grateful for it. The dads are usually not as equally rallied around during these difficult times. This made Dave feel very special.)
"I just wanted to say thank you for bravely sharing your lives with so many people. Although, we do not spend time together, I feel like I know you so well. It hurts to see the pain you are suffering now. I just wanted you to know that your lives truly are an inspiration to me. Your family is an inspiration to both me & J. Your stories, your trials, your good & bad times all have an impact on the lives of others. I believe you were meant to share your lives with others and inspire us to love a little more and remember what family is all about. I know this might sound strange, but I just really felt compelled to tell you this." (addressed to both Dave and I from an old friend from school. I sometimes wonder if I share too much publicly, but I truly believe we have so much to learn from each other if we are open and honest about our private lives. Thank you for validating this....it is a bit scary to post our loss and the feelings associated with it, but knowing others have experienced it or willing to support us through it means so much. I couldn't imagine doing this alone.)
"This is one of those times where I have no idea what to say so I am just going to write my feelings. I was very sad to hear that news. I hate that things like this happen to such good people. This is one of those times when I cannot comprehend God's plan, but I do know that he has a plan and is watching over you. My personal feeling is that whatever spirits you are supposed to have as part of your family unit will come to you in time. You guys are some of my most cherished friends, and I honestly cry when you cry, and share joy when you are joyful. I dont expect anything I say will help in your pain, but I hope you feel a small bit of comfort in knowing that I am praying for your family. It is amazing how many friends you guys have, that is a tribute to the type of people you are. Please know that if there is ANYTHING I can do for you, I will do it." (I bawled through this one....it is humbling to know people are praying for our family and love us and cry with us...and, what you wrote did help with our pain and brought us comfort...as did all the notes, both long and short. We are truly grateful for each of our friends.)
"I've been praying for your family all weekend and words just can't express how sorry I am that this happened to you and your husband and kids. I know the pain too well to have a loss like that. It is one that can really only heal with time and thru relying on your family and friends and the Lord. I love you guys so much." (again knowing friends have taken time from their busy lives to pray for our little family is so humbling and touching and every time I read it from somebody it makes me cry....a healing cry.)
"I’ve been thinking about you this week. I am so sorry to hear about the pregnancy. I lost my first pregnancy at exactly the same time. April, I am truly so so sorry! All my love and prayers go out to you and your family. I know too keenly this kind of heartbreak. Everyone experiences it differently, but just know that I am here if you need any support. I wish I lived closer so that I could bring over a meal, some hot chocolate, and a comfortable movie. E-mail me if you need to. And you can always call (even though we’ve never actually spoken, I feel like you are a dear friend)." (And, then she gave me her cell phone number. This one made me jump for joy and made me and Dave giggle a bit through our tears. I do consider her a dear friend too, but someone I have only communicated over the internet with and have on so many occasions wished I had her cell phone number to just give her a call. Dave has even suggested I ask for her cell phone number on different occasions just so we could talk. Know that I will be calling you....very soon!)
From those of you that have experienced this pain, I can't begin to tell you how much the one line "I know this pain" means to me and to those who honestly shared "I don't know this pain, but know how sorry I am" means so much too. And, even the simplest "I'm sorry" was so comforting.
One last one I want to share was an email I received this morning.....from another internet friend. I am sharing this one because she perfectly explains, in her own experience, exactly what happened to our baby too.
"I had the exact same thing happen to me right before Christmas….. found out we were expecting on November 16th, spent the next three weeks completely in love with our little Pea, hurting boobs, expanding waist, enjoying eating snacks every 20 minutes when I felt pukey, all of it. We were so ecstatic we couldn’t contain ourselves…..then went in for our ultrasound and more blood work and nothing but the sac and fetal pole, no heartbeat and very strong indications that there were genetic/chromosomal issues. I had to have a D&C...and deal, for the next two weeks, with the same pregnancy symptoms until my body realized that it was gone…..Please know that my telling you what I went through is NOT to take away in any way from what you are going through….I only tell you so that you know you are not alone…..I hope you can feel all of the love, prayers and hugs coming your way……my wish and prayers for you are hope, faith and love…..and just know you are not alone and there are others out there crying with you for your loss…." (I am finding great comfort in knowing that I am not alone. Thank you for sharing your story and sweet thoughts of love and prayer.)
So now my question to you, and it is a personal one, but I need advice. I have a choice to make right now......wait out (up to 3 weeks) to miscarry or move forward with a D&C. I really don't know what to do right now. My head says "wait to miscarry" and I thought my heart would too, but my heart wants to move on sooner than later....I think. Any thoughts from women that have experienced this would be wonderful right now. You all have helped so much so far. I really do appreciate your thoughts.