Today I woke up feeling good. Cheery even. I had Chicks in Aprons today. We were making button rings. While sitting around the table after eating a very yummy breakfast of quiche and cinnamon rolls, baby names came up and then an unexpected pregnancy announcement.
I tried to hold back the tears. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to make my friend, with her very exciting news, feel bad. And, I didn't want the friend that said something to feel bad in any way. In fact, I could tell when the news came out that it wasn't her intention of announcing it while I was there but it came out and that is OK. That is life. And what happened next is life also. I couldn't hold back the tears. I couldn't hold back the weeping that was coming so I got up from the table and tried to take off down the hall before I lost it without anyone noticing. I did not want to make a scene. It wasn't even how I wanted to react, but I couldn't stop it. I felt horrible. I bawled again and a couple of friends came to my rescue. I was so mad at myself. It was NOT how I was wanting to react, but I couldn't stop the tears. Then the sweet friend who is newly pregnant came to me to apologize. I felt like I was the one owing her the apology. How awkward....I hated that I reacted that way and told her so. I told her that I don't want to cry when people announce their pregnancy, but that right now it is out of my control. I really was happy for her and for her little family. I was so sorry for the lack of control of my emotions.
I think the hardest part of this process is that I am not in control completely of my emotions and that is difficult for me. I have always kept them in check. In fact, I have rarely 'lost it' in front of anyone....only a few people in fact. Up until today anyway. And today I lost it in front of my whole group of friends.
Thank you, Jaime, for being so sweet and sensitive during a time that is so exciting for your family. And to all my Chicks in Aprons gals for understanding. I was embarrassed and you all made me feel perfectly normal. At the end of our gathering I asked to hold my friends 9 month old baby. It just felt like the right thing to do. I wanted to see how I felt holding a baby. If that was something that I really did want in my arms again. And it was comforting to feel just how comfortable that baby felt in my arms. Making him giggle and tickling him and snuggling up so close to kiss his little forehead. It just felt good and brought a cheeriness back to my soul today. And, for that moment, I was in control of my emotions. There wasn't any pain....just comfort.
Please come back here tomorrow for some sunshine.....some pretty pictures of my Liberty of London watering can and the spring flower planting that took place at our house this week {so part of the healing process....I recommend it} AND A GIVEAWAY! You all deserve to win.
Your emotions are completely normal and it's wonderful that you have such great friends to help you through it all - oh, and your family (who seem pretty darn great as well).
ReplyDeleteRegarding the Liberty line at Target. Yikes. I went in there and in no way was prepared for the fabulous-ness! It was scattered everywhere throughout the store. I made it out with the sweetest bathing suit for my 5 year old (ok, and a teacup for moi) but I fear that more damage will be done during my next outing.
Oh April! I have been where you are! I have watched everyone around me get pregnant when I have struggled for over two years to have one of my own. I have cried SO MANY TIMES over others pregnancies despite being happy for them, and I have always been ashamed of those emotions. But I have learned that those uncontrollable emotions really are expressions of the truest desires of our hearts and that is a good thing! Sounds like you have such good friends to help you through the tough stuff. What a blessing!
ReplyDeleteThe Lord has been good to me and I can tell He is to you and your family too! It's amazing how much He loves us and I pray that you will feel the peace and comfort you need to fully heal! It's a journey and I have struggled through it myself!
Hoping you have a great, relaxing night after such an emotional day!
Thank you, April--although you have absolutely nothing to apologize for! What a sweet post!! Lots of love being sent your way.
ReplyDeleteLoving thoughts from mom to daughter, day in and day out. Looking forward to our time together tomorrow in SF. Sweet dreams :o)
ReplyDeleteLove,
Mom xoxo
Oh that involuntary sob reaction, I know it so well! I had the same exact problem, but at a graduation party last spring, 4 weeks after my ectopic pregnancy ruptured, ending in emergency surgery. Thankfully I was close to the bathroom to make my getaway, unfortunately I was there alone, with no husband along to help me escape, and had to suck it up and try to leave gracefully with my red face and no more makeup.I am so glad your friends are sweet and understanding.
ReplyDeleteoh APril I totally have been there and as hard as you try you cannot control how you feel and I think it makes you more uncomfortable than anyone else...truly. After my miscarriage I had skipped a night or two at our regular Bunco and on my first night back Debbie B was there and was preg with Zack, she was just a few weeks ahead of me, Zack bdays is what July and I was due in Aug. I remember her telling everyone about her recent sonogram and feeling the baby move and people asking her questions all night and I felt like "hello people Lisa...sitting right here...um...hello...just lost baby"...and fighting back the tears all while trying to appear on the outside happy for her cause I was...truly, but I was also just as sad for me as I was excited for her..does that make sense. I can even remember what she was wearing that night because it was just one of those moments you don't easily forget. Nobody meant to hurt my feelings, but it happened, it's natural. I felt guilty after that night... like It seemed like I was mad at her for being pg and happy about it....it worried me for a long time that others may have thought that, as I got really quiet for the rest of the evening which I was so afraid looking back may have appeared as angry and I wasn't...just sad and totally unprepared for the situation of being around somebody so close in age of pregnancy and lots of talk about it...it was either close off and be quiet and wallow in my own self pity alone in my head or burst into tears and ruin the night for everyone... the feelings will fade, I promise, it will get easier and know that others understand even if they have never been through it and when situations arise such as this one its not intentional.. hugs girlfriend!
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